Realizations of a Girl
by Sarah August
Summary: Elena has regrets and realizations after not kissing Stefan in the 5x4 episode. Stelena.


**Title: Realizations of a Girl**

**Summary: Short one post based after 5x4. Elena has regrets and realizations after not kissing Stefan. **

**Pairing: Stelena**

* * *

He wasn't hers anymore. She knew she shouldn't worry like this. But she felt gutted by the realization that Stefan no longer remembered anything at all. Not her. Not Damon. Nothing about his life as a vampire or even before that. Not even Lexi, his best friend, who he had adored so much.

It completely gutted Elena whenever she thought too long about any of it. And what she had done had driven him away from them completely and Elena wanted to scream in pain upon feeling his absence from the boarding house.

Damon had believed Stefan when he said it was because they had lied to him about their new relationship. They hadn't so much as lied, but they hadn't told him everything either. It had hurt too much to do so the first time around. Damon didn't know what had driven Stefan to the breaking point and it was the reason he had chosen to leave the house all together. Leave _them_.

It was because his ex-girlfriend, the one who had left him for his brother, had almost kissed him and had pulled away when he had almost kissed her too. Elena had flirted with him that day and let him believe whatever he had wanted too if it meant getting his memories back.

She had made herself believe it was for the sake of getting Stefan to remember her, something, anything at all. But it had been more then that. Elena had almost kissed Stefan because she had wanted too. There was nothing else to it.

Then she had hit him with the truth like plunging a stake through his heart. The stake would have been kinder then what she had done. _"I'm with Damon." _She had said when his lips almost touched hers.

Elena let the sobs rack her again knowing Damon wasn't home and wouldn't hear her. She cried for the girl who had loved Stefan with her whole heart and then died. She cried for the new vampire who had still loved Stefan but had to deal with the awakening of her love for Damon through a bond that she couldn't ignore if she had tried. It had complicated everything between her and Stefan, so much that Elena had decided to let their old relationship go entirely and commit herself to Damon. It wasn't a decision based on who she loved more.

Elena had decided to commit to Damon because even with the removal of the sire bond the feelings that the sire bond had awakened within her for Damon were still there. And she couldn't be with Stefan if she loved his brother too. It was as simple as that. She could not and would never be Katherine. She could only be with one of them.

Stefan had left town upon her making her choice, or so Elena had believed. It had made her decision so simple and it had allowed her to enjoy the new relationship she now had with Damon without having to deal with the fact that she had broken one brothers heart to have that new love in her life. But now Stefan, the real Stefan was back, and he hated them for hurting him and Elena hated herself too.

Damon said when he heard that Bonnie died that she shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to be happy. But she did feel guilty and it was haunting her. Her best friend was dead and the first real love of her life had been tortured for months by being buried in a watery grave alive. All while she had been busy being "happy" in her new life with Damon.

Elena felt that happiness slipping away from them and it wasn't just from guilt, it was because Elena wasn't certain if she was capable of being happy without Bonnie and Stefan being in her life. They had been everything to her and now they were both gone.

Maybe it was stupid of her to feel this way. Damon had made her really happy and was really trying hard to be a good boyfriend to her. She was everything to Damon as Stefan and Bonnie were to her and Elena knew that and loved Damon for caring so much about her.

But when it came down to it, he wasn't Bonnie and he certainly wasn't Stefan, and never would be. And it was the last realization that was the most painful of all for Elena.

If she had only kissed Stefan back he'd be with her, here. And she wouldn't be crying in the dark and in secret. Elena would be telling Stefan everything she felt and she would not only be happy, she'd be herself again. That girl. She'd be free.


End file.
